Loaded Prose

Hear Ye, Hear Ye…

By decree of the King, I declare that Men and Women CANNOT be friends

… unless there are special circumstances.

Guys and Girls can be friends if the circumstances include, but are not limited to:

1. He or She is ugly/deformed
2. They are a family friend
3. You grew up with them
4. You bathed together as children
5. They are you ex and you had an amiable breakup <—- Even this one has stipulations. But that’s not the topic right now.

I know every girl reading this right now is making some stupid face and combating my statement based on all the ‘guy friends’ that she has.

Before I explain why I feel that men and women cannot be friends, let me explain why they can. I know this sounds all kinds of contradictory and oxymoron-ish, but let me make my case.

I have a best friend, he is a guy. We met through family. He has been my best friend for almost 4 years now. We are ‘just friends.’ There has never been any attraction or drunken come-ons. He is practically my husband. I love him, we fight, we joke around, I tell him when I have to poop, but we don’t have sex or anything relationship-wise (maybe if I didn’t tell him about my bow movements). I talk to him about guys, he tells me about girls. There is no jealousy. And that is how I know that he is just my friend.

So, before you send me to the guillotine.

For men and women to be friends, the friendship has to be void of ANY attraction. If that is the case, then YES you can have friends with the opposite naughty bits. But any morsel of attraction or feelings for someone and a platonic friendship cannot be done.

Now, when guys and girls cannot be friends. When either party has any kind of feelings for the other. That is that. There is nothing more. You can pretend you are friends, but there will always be jealousy when he/she talks about other ladies/men.

Even if you think that you can still be friends with these feelings, eventually it is going to blow up in your face. Your pseudo-friendship can only last so long before your feelings for the other person boil over and explode all over you like a… aah, I think I will stay away from that one and let you make your own simile.

Take a step back, close your eyes, clear your mind. Now… think about your friends of the opposite sex. No, not her big boobs…. see, attraction. Think about how many of them you would have sex with, even if you think you’d have to be drunk to have sex with them.(This exercise does not apply to gays, obviously.)

Probably more than you thought.

If you are like me, and have more friends of the opposite sex, then you are probably picking up what I am putting down. I speak from experience as a girl who has, at one time or another, thought about having/has had sex with her one or more of guy friends.

…Not all at once. At different times, and by a lot of guy friends, I don’t mean like 150 people. So no, I am not a whore who has fucked 125 of my friends. Just want to say that.

“But, Jenn, didn’t that ruin your friendship and make things awkward?”

No, not at all. Contrary to popular belief, it did not ruin our friendship. And in some cases, probably made our friendship stronger. It is only awkward if you make it awkward. So don’t.

Lending money to friends… now that is a good way to fuck up a friendship. But that is another story entirely.

Ahhh, The question every man dreads hearing and every girl is too afraid to ask.

The reason we NEED to know: We all want to know if we are wasting our time or not.

Here is how a girl’s mind works…Follow along if you can.

• We meet you.
• We like you.
• We think you like us.
• We spend time together.
• We fuck… this makes matters worse.
• We over analyze.
• We analyze some more.
• We have our friends help us analyze.
• We analyze about what our friends said that we didn’t think of.
• We start to freak out.
• We freak out to our friends.
• We start acting weird.
• And inevitably it come to the fact that we need to know where this is headed.

Let me preface this with: I am usually not one for labeling a person. 

Gay, Straight, Bisexual, Straight but not narrow, Open Relationship, Fuck Buddies, Friends with Benefits, Monogamous Relationship… whatever.

If it does not harm me then I don’t care if you label yourself and emo transsexual in an polygamous relationship with a preppy, straight married man who enjoys having cross-dressing, bisexual fuck buddies over for an orgy. 

I, personally, do not like to be labeled as anything other than Jennifer. That’s me. That is the only label that I need or want.

But when you are in relationship limbo, I see the need to at least have an idea of where things might head.

It all comes down to time and the idea that we all want to know what the future holds. That is why our time is so important to us and why we don’t want to waste it. No one wants to put all their energy and emotions into something that has no foreseeable end point. We, as humans, have this burning need to know the future and where we will end up.

Here is the deal. We [most of us] are not psychic. We [most of us] do not have the ability to see the future, so we are subject to the good humor of our chosen omniscient powers. Because if this, we need to ride the wave and see where life takes us.

Would knowing your future even change the way that you act in the present?

If you knew, that you were not going to end up with/marry this person that you like, would that stop you from being with them now? I doubt it. I know it wouldn’t stop me. I would want to spend as much time as possible with them and maybe even see if I can change my future. Because who says we can’t?

I call to mind AP English class and ‘Design.’ Do we have free will or are we all part of a grand design? But, that is another post entirely.

Moving rapidly along…

Not knowing our future, and at the will of the object of our desires, chances are whatever answer you get when you ask them will put you at ease. It is the not knowing that gets under someone’s skin.

Whether you want to be in a relationship or be fuck buddies, you will be happy to get any answer that doesn’t go “I don’t want to see you anymore…at all.”

So why are we so afraid to ask…

Probably more than one reason. In fact, there are two that I can think of.

1. You just gave away all your power.

• Outcome One: They want more, like you do, and it is good that you made this play. In this case, you made a power play and scored short-handed! Congrats.

• Outcome Two: They manipulate your feelings for them…because they are bitches/bastards. In this case, you are in the penalty box on a 2 minute minor.

Or….

     2. Because we are afraid to hear the truth. The truth that they do not want to see us in any capacity.

• Outcome: We feel our world is crashing down around us! Woe is me. 

In reality, there is a simple cure.

Friends, and a stiff drink.

And maybe a night alone with your vibrator (if you are a girl… or a guy into that, no judgement.)

Whatever you do to get over a guy/girl… it is not the end of the world.

Step back from the situation. See it for what it is. And make some educated judgements based on that. Do not make more out of it than it is.

If you do ask… here are some pointers, based on my experience and my oh-so-knowledgeable friends.

And these go for the Guys and the Dolls. (Because ladies can be just as aloof as men.)

• Do not do it through a text message. That just allows the other person to ignore it or take their sweet time to come up with some bullshit answer.
• Do not do it over the phone if you are not prepared for an awkward silence and possibly an ‘accidental’ hangup. Meaning… time for the other person to collect their thoughts, or turn off their phone. 
• Do it in person if you think you can read body language, but not if you are unable to control your emotions in front of them. Unless you think crying will help your case.
• Be direct. Anything else will just get you an indirect response… Duh.
• Don’t make a joke of it. This is not the time for ;) or ‘lol’
• Do not do it in a crowded place and make a fool of yourself. Because, well, that is just not attractive.
• Do it at the end of the date, in case the response you get is not one you want to hear.
• Have an escape plan.
• If necessary… be a bitch or a dick if you really need an answer and the other person is intentionally beating around the bush.
• Don’t ask at all if you don’t plan to follow through. Set a bottom line for yourself. For instance: “If he doesn’t want to be exclusive, I am not going to answer his 3AM drunk booty calls anymore.” If that is how you feel then you need to stick to that. Not following through will only make you feel like shit and put you back in the same, if not worse, position.
• DO NOT confuse your bottom line with an ultimatum. An ultimatum will not get you anywhere. No one wants to feel like their hand is forced to make a decision. If you do give someone an ultimatum, chances are that they are going to be stubborn, or their pride will get in the way. And even though they may want to choose you, they won’t. Just because you are forcing them to do so. Everyone has to do things in their own time. Pride isn’t one of the 7 Deadly Sins for nothing.
• And when your friends tell you to shit or get off the pot. Just listen to them. They have an outside view of the situation. You are blinded by her big boobs, or his huge cock. So take note at what they are saying and at least marinate on their advice.
• But don’t just take their advice because they say so… ESPECIALLY if they are single and bitter. That is the last person you should ask for advice from.

And don’t ask for the truth if you cannot handle it.

Wait.. I am not done.

Guys…(or girls) don’t be dick heads. Take into consideration that this person is asking because it is on their minds and really bothering them. They want to be put at ease so that they can focus on other, more important things.

Don’t string the other person along. Put yourself in their position and just tell them how you feel. Playing the ‘Game’ will get you nowhere. And you will end up alone, because people only have a certain level of bullshit tolerance.

Don’t skate around the question. This isn’t the Stanley Cup Finals and you are not Scott Hartnell.

Don’t give her/him some puff piece on why it just isn’t the right time for you and you can’t make a decision.

And please, no matter what you do, DO NOT just say, “Well, let’s stay what we are.” Because the next question from her/him will be, “Well, what are we exactly.”

And then you opened the door for the discussion so you better be ready to answer it.

Also… take everything I say with a grain of salt. Because I have no fucking idea what I am doing in my own life.

So I have been hearing a lot about relationship deal breakers.

First of all, when did relationships become business transactions and deals that are made. I do enough business during the day. When I go home, the last thing I want to be doing is making a spreadsheet concerning relationship issues.

Secondly, when did it become acceptable to make something about this person that you like/love something bad.

My feelings are that if you love someone, you accept them, flaws and all. You can’t pick and choose the parts of them that don’t make you cringe.

When you are dating someone, you are dating that person. All of them.

Including those “flaws.” To me, these quirky traits are the things that make a person who they are.

I am sure at one point of your relationship you found the fact that he played with his bellybutton lint as endearing.

Okay, well maybe not the bellybutton lint thing.

Is there really something SO bad that it prevents you from overlooking all their redeeming qualities and your feelings for them?

Can people really fall out of love over these things?

Chances are that this person you are with has always been this way and they have always had that particular trait that now, for some reason, drives you insane.

Ever think that maybe it is you who has changed and not them.

Well who woulda thunk?

You are not perfect either, maybe he finds the fact that you fart in your sleep kinda gross. But that doesn’t mean he is going to end the relationship over it.

I’d hope that my boyfriend (hypothetical, of course, because if I had a boyfriend I wouldn’t have time to blog) wouldn’t break up with me because I enjoy collecting postmortem pictures or because of my collection of antique tea sets, or because I have over 30 copies of ‘The Picture of Dorian Gray.’

Those are the things that make me the unique person that I am. Sure he may not want me to frame pictures of dead people and hang them on the walls, but he is not going to dump [I hate that word, people are not trash. You do not dump them] me for having a hobby that I enjoy.

Furthermore, if he were the right person for me to be with, he would probably be as twisted and macabre as me.

I digress… bottom line: he may not be particularly fond of it, but he shouldn’t make it an issue either.

So… ‘Deal-breakers’ that I have heard as of late.

1. Not putting out after 10 dates
2. Putting out on the first date
3. Having kids
4. Nose Picking
5. Gaming too much
6. No job
7. Doesn’t make enough money
8. Bad Dresser
9. Too many ex- girlfriends/boyfriends
10. Not enough ex-girlfriends/boyfriends
11. Parents are annoying/overprotective
12. Too many friends of the opposite sex
13. No friends at all
14. No ambition
15. Does not cook
16. Does not clean
17. Hygiene issues
18. Curses too much
19. Never wants to go out
20. Goes out too much
21. My Personal deal breaker: Has not seen Star Wars

Now, I understand that some of these things may cause an issue, like not having a job could be a financial burden on you, or having no ambition could mean he is going nowhere in life.

And nose picking… well, that is just nasty.

(But still not a reason to break up)

Half of the things I listed are just stupid and contradict one another. Is the fact that he is a gamer really something that you cannot overlook. Or talk through, express your feelings to him and let him know that maybe you feel neglected?

Aren’t people in relationships supposed to talk through things and share their feelings?

I mean… that is how I thought it worked.

Relationships are not magic. They take work, and they take time to perfect to get to that point where things are good. It is not always like you see in the movies, and chances are even if you see a happy couple, there is something else going on under the surface.

Much like an iceberg. We only see 20%, the other 80% is below the surface. And what is below the surface is the dangerous territory. It is what you cannot see that causes the most damage… just look at the Titanic!

If it was easy, everyone would be in a relationship. And nothing worth having is ever easy.

For some legitimate ‘deal’ breakers…

ASK MEN <—— Click the Link!

Aaaah, Perfection. The idea of complete, universal perfectness. 

Well, sit down, I have some bad news. 

Ready?

IT DOES NOT EXIST!

It is an illusion. A trick of the mind. 

There is no such thing as “perfectness.” You may think someone or something is perfect, but it is your idea of perfection.

Perfection is subjective. Meaning… it is perfect because you THINK it is. 

Pertaining to or characteristic of an individual; personal;individual.

What is perfect you ask?

Oh, let me tell you…

1. Paris in the Summer
2. A PBR on the Beach
3. A Margherita at the Cantina 
4. A good, old book; preferably one written by The Marquis DeSade.
5. The day old hot dogs at Phillies Games. 
6. A comic book; Wonder Woman of course. 
7. Sleeping in on Sunday… all day.
8. The Beer tower at Chickie’s & Pete’s. 
9. Crab Fries when you are drunk. 
10. Chinese food when you are hungover
11. The Flyers winning the Stanley Cup.
12. The Penguins losing the Stanley Cup.
13. Your favorite hoody and a Pair of Uggs on a rainy day. 

These are the perfect things… in my world anyway. (See, there is that ‘subjective’ thing again.

Human perfection is the same. It is subjective. 

Me.. I am not perfect in any sense of the word. I am hopelessly flawed and I am happy with that. 

The fact that we are flawed makes us unique and perfect to someone else. 

Following? Let me dock the boat for a second and solve the equation for you. 

You + Flaws = SUBJECTIVE PERFECTNESS (I’m practically a genius!)

Subjective Perfectness ≠ UNIVERSAL or (objective) perfectness. 

When I say objective I mean…

not influenced by personal feelings, interpretations, orprejudice; 

based on facts; unbiased:

Get it? 

There is not a list of qualifying characteristics or facts that one can measure up against to know if they are perfect. There is no codex of perfection with specific proportions that one is meant to achieve. 

You, as you sit now, are perfect. 

Flawed, but perfect. I know it sounds like an oxymoron, but it is true. 

Because that flaw…

That mole,

or few extra pounds,

your hunch-back,

or peg leg. 

Someone is going to find that hot, and you will be perfect in their eyes. 

Like one of my favorite movies [Party Monster] says:

“If you have a hunch-back, throw some glitter on it and go dancing!”

Now that IS perfect to me. A glass of Arbor Mist (don’t judge me) and some Party Monster.