Loaded Prose

Boobs, Boobs, Boobs!

So, I like Boobs as much as the next guy. I like them so much, that I have them.

In all non-seriousness, secure enough with my sexuality as I am, I can frequent the strip club and not worry (or care) if someone thinks I am gay. (I am not gay, nor do I have any problems with those who are.)  There was a time when I was at the strip club ever Friday night. Me and 2 or 3 of my favorite people would go, have a few drinks, tip a few ladies and have a nice night.

Hey… You can smoke inside and learn some good dance moves. Don’t judge me!

In any case, we used to have a theory. There are four common reasons why someone becomes a stripper. They are as follows.

1. You have a cocaine/heroine/meth addiction, and you have daddy issues.
2. You are supporting yourself and putting yourself through school, and you have daddy issues.
3. You got knocked up at a young age and are supporting yourself and your child/children, and you have daddy issues. 
4. You did not get enough love in your childhood and need attention…so, yeah, you have daddy issues.

You see the common denominator?

In any case, if not for these ladies with daddy issues, I’d be pretty bored on Friday nights.

So for all of you who have not been to a strip club, or want to go, let me lay some of my wisdom of you.

What follows will be a list of things I have learned and/or some etiquette tips that may help you out in your strip club adventure.

Here goes…

DISCLAIMER: They are not strippers/hookers/prostitutes, they prefer to be called dancers, or exotic dancers.

• I must add to this… SOME dancers will go upstairs and do whatever it is that you want for a price. THEY can be referred to as prostitutes. Here is how you tell the difference. When one comes up to you and asks if you want a lap dance… and they will, she will lean in very close to ask you. If her breath smells like dick cheese, then Yes, she is one of the unsavory ones. An untouchable you may say.

Moving on…

1. Make friends with the bouncer. He will get you a table. Or pay the bouncer, then you will get a good table.
2. If the ‘dancers,’ bouncer or Valet people know your name, it is time to rethink your Friday night routine.
3. You will never get any change back, so never use big bills.
4. If you see someone you know from Elementary/High School, do NOT use their real name.
5. You will get hit on by creepers even though you are fully clothed.
6. Do not dance around, it upsets the dancers working for tips.
7. The girls you see on the billboards and all the advertisements, will not be the girls you see dancing at the club that night
8. Drinks are expensive. Definitely consider pre-gaming.
9. If you hear the words ‘Hot Seat,’ you are in for an awesome show. 
10. If you are at the Penthouse Club, and you see a martini glass rise out of the stage and 2 girls climb on top of it… Well, you are about to see some lesbionics. If you are into that, then fine. If not, now would be the time to hit the ladies room to relieve your bladder. 
11. Never leave money on the table, it is like waving a red flag at a bull.
12. Do NOT use the ATM at the strip club, the surcharge is enough to buy a new dress… which you will need because of #12.
13. Dispose of the outfit you were wearing that night. It will never be the same again.
14. Never take more money than you are willing to spend because everything in your pocket will end up in a dancers’ G-string.
15. Eat ahead of time. Never order food at the strip club.
16. Do not stay until the lights come on. It is not a pretty sight.
17. If you see money on the floor, pick it up and lay it on the nearest table, or give it to the closest bouncer, not the closest dancer.
18. Do converse with the ladies.
19. Definitely tip the ladies.
20. Enjoy a lap dance if you can afford it.
21. At some places, you can get a ‘free’ lap dance by buying a shot. And by lap dance I mean a girl straddles you to pour a shot down your throat. Which is nice too. 
22. Do NOT ask the girls out on dates.
23. Do NOT roofie the ladies when they say No to your advances.
24. Do make friends who can sneak you in the back door. Cover charge is expensive and so are drinks. It is nice to have a friend.
25. If you are from New Jersey, do have 2 forms of identification. Apparently, New Jersey licenses look fake anywhere outside of New Jersey. 
26. Do NOT, under any circumstances, go upstairs. Unless you plan to spend the next day at the free clinic.
27. Never let any bare body part touch the booth/chair/stage/etc… 
28. You will most likely be covered in glitter by the end of the night. 
29. Never, Ever, TOUCH the dancers. It will end up in you being carried out the door by a very large bouncer. He will not find your jokes amusing, and your excuses to let you back in will get you no where.
30. Do shower immediately when you get home. You will smell funny, and you will feel dirty on the inside. Don’t try and scrub that away, the dirtiness inside will never come clean. And it is a lovely memory of your evening that you can carry with you forever.

So… there are a few things I have learned.

Take what you will. Go forth my children and put my knowledge to use!

If you have any others to add, please do so in the comment section!!!

Sorry… To the one person who reads my posts.

I have nothing to post, And If I did post today, it would just be the rantings of a seriously pissed off person with too much time on her hands and not enough things to keep her mind busy.

I have nothing to say, today. And if you know me, you know that is damn near impossible for me to say. 

Hopefully tomorrow, I will have a juicy topic to explicate about. Given the dentist doesn’t make me too loopy to type tomorrow.

Hey, Maybe you will get a nice post of me hopped up on meds. Here hoping!

In the meantime…

If you have a topic that you want to hear my thoughts on, leave a comment and I will lay my nuggets of wisdom on you and see if you can smell what I am steppin’ in.

As promised. Here are some lines that the ladies use.

Of, course we mean the complete opposite of what we say most of the time.

But other times… You’d be surprised what we are actually thinking.

Here goes…

1.) “You are just not my type.”

Translation: I don’t date Black/Asian/Mexican/etc… men.

2.) “You are so cute!”

Translation: I am too sober to have sex with you.

3.) “Are your friends coming?”

Translation: I don’t want to be seen alone with you. People may think we are dating.

4.) “Why is she wearing that skirt!?”

Translation: I wish I was as pretty as her.

5.) “No, I am not seeing anyone serious.”

Translation: I am seeing several people and would like to add you to the rotation.

6.) “Sorry, I’m a lesbian.”

Translation: You are too ugly for me to fuck sober.

7.) “Sorry, I’m married.”

Translation: You have NO shot.

8.) “I’m hungry.”

Translation: Take me out to eat.

9.) “I hung out with my girlfriends this weekend.”

Translation: I sat in my bed all weekend wearing sweat pants, watching Sex & The City, eating a tub of Ben & Jerry’s.

10.) “Who was that on the phone?”

Translation: That better not have been your ex on the phone.

11.) “I don’t think I should get dessert…okay, I’ll have the cheesecake.”

Translation: I’ll start my diet tomorrow.

12.) “My mom thinks you’re nice.”

Translation: My mom hates you.

13.) “I’m allergic to condoms.”

Translation: I am going to attempt to baby trap you.

14.) “I love Roses!”

Translation: Why don’t you ever send me flowers?

15.) “I have a kid.”

Translation: I don’t want people to see you talking to me.

16.) “I’m so thirsty.”

Translation: Buy me a drink.

17.) “What does a wide receiver do again?”

Translation: I can care less about football, but I need your attention.

18.) “Do I look fat in this?”

Translation: Reassure me that you still think I am hot.

19.) “That girl who posted on your FB wall was so funny!”

Translation: Who is she? Where did you meet her? Are you fucking her?

20.) “How do you spell your name?”

Translation: I forget your name.

21.) “I love you” (During sex)

Translation: Maybe if I remind myself how I feel about you, I can get past how small your penis is.

22.) “I love the way you smell.”

Translation: I want to rip your clothes off with my teeth. Right. Now.

23.) “What do you do again?”

Translation: You’re ugly…but, you make good money.

24.) “Do you live alone?”

Translation: I want to make sure that you are not a loser who lives in your mother’s basement before I give you my number.

25.) “Where did you meet her?”

Translation: Have you fucked her?

26.) “Do you like this dress?”

Translation: Will other guys think I look hot in this dress.

27.) “Do you think she is hot?”

Translation: Is she hotter than me?

28.) “Let’s go to the gym together!”

Translation: You are developing a dickie-do.

29.) “It’s girls’ night!”

Translation: Time to cry about my relationship to my single friends. Franzia, check. Relationship Issues, check. Ice Cream, check.

30.) “I only have to go up to a size 6 because I have an ass.”

Translation: Damn, I’m getting fat.

I hope you all enjoyed.

Again, feel free to leave any that I left out in the comments section!

Happy Superbowl!!!

As a play off of yesterday’s Communication Error post. I’d like to make it easier to figure our what people really mean when they say something.

So…Ever wonder what he really means?

Well here are all your answers!

I am an expert. Take my word for it.

1.) “It’s not you, its me”

Translation: I found someone better than you.

2.) “I’m not ready for a relationship.”

Translation: I’m not ready to stop fucking those four other girls yet.

3.) “I like you, but I think we should just be friends.”

Translation: You are a bad lay.

4.) “I just got out of a bad relationship.”

Translation: I did just break up with someone, but we are still fucking. But, I would also like to fuck you.

5.) “You are too good for me.”

Translation: I’m too good looking for you.

6.) “I need to find myself.”

Translation:  I may be gay. I’m not sure.

7.) “It’s just bad timing.”

Translation: I am currently juggling 3 other girls right now.

8.) “Let’s take a little break, things are moving too fast.”

Translation: I want to fuck a few more people before I settle down.

9.) “I’m hungry.”

Translation: Make me a sandwich.

10.) “I didn’t do much this weekend.”

Translation: I jerked off all weekend to internet porn.

11.) “Wow, You finished all that food.”

Translation: You are getting fat.

12.) “My mom thinks you are nice.”

Translation: My mom hates you.

13.) “I haven’t slept with that many people.”

Translation: I have slept with more girls than I can remember.

14.) “Are you on birth control?”

Translation: I don’t plan to use a condom…or see you again after tonight.

15.) “We should go to the gym together!”

Translation: I may have fucked your fat roll last night.

16.) “I just don’t feel the same way about you as I used to.”

Translation: You got fat.

17.) “I’m not ready to settle down right now, I’m still young.”

Translation: I’m not willing to settle for you. I can do better.

18.) “I love spending time with you.”

Translation: My penis loves spending time in your vagina.

19.) “I think we should see other people.”

Translation: I have been seeing other people. You should catch up.

20.) “She can give me something that you can’t give me.”

Translation: Her tits are so much bigger than yours.

OR

Translation: She lets me put it in her butt.

21.) “I love you.”

Translation: I love having sex with you.

22.) “I love your dress.”

Translation: I may be gay.

23.) “You have a beautiful face.”

Translation: You have a horrible body.

24.) “I love your lips.”

Translation: I’d like to see how your lips would look around my cock.

25.) “Are they Jimmy Choo?”

Translation: I’m gay.

OR

Translation: I want to suck on your toes.

26.) “I want you all to myself, that’s why I don’t want you to meet my friends.”

Translation: I am embarrassed to be around you in public and no one knows about you.

27.) “What is your friend’s name again?”

Translation: I am going to bench you and talk to your friend.

28.) “I need space.”

Translation: I found someone else… who gives better blowjobs.

29.) “I’m allergic to condoms.”

Translation: I never plan on using a condom with you.

30.) “I love your cooking!”

Translation: I’m trying to hold back vomit.

Hope you all got a giggle….

Feel free to add any other ones you can think of in the comments section!

Tomorrow: Girl Lines Translated!

Why can’t men be consistent and open when it comes to communication?

This topic baffles me more than anything.

Do they really feel that showing passion or emotion about something other than their favorite team or patch of their favorite video game makes them seem less manly.

Because god forbid, they have a feeling arise in their head and not their cock.

Apparently aloof-ness is the new black.

Well, to me, being aloof is tantamount to playing the ‘game.’ And that is not me.

I don’t play the game. I don’t have the time to play the game, and even if I did, I am too competitive for my own good to play the game.

I guess it comes down to the old adage, “We want what we can’t have.”

For those of you that don’t know me, there is nothing I can’t have and I always get what I want.

The claws are coming out. Rawrrr!

But, with people in relationships, the communication aspect is an even heavier concept to grasp. And that is really what I want to discuss here.

Having so many friends in serious relationships when I am not in one, makes this topic even harder for me to discuss. So I had to enlist the help of my favorite serial monogamous, Alicia. She gave me some ideas and topics to discuss in this post. So here goes.

The question: Why don’t men open up?

Here is an idea thought: Open your fucking mouth for something other than buffalo wings and speak up. (That is all me, Alicia would never speak like a drunken sailor.)

How are we supposed to know if something is bothering you? We don’t expect you to read our minds, so why should you expect us to read yours? Whatever is bothering you cannot be fixed if you do not tell us what the issue is.

And it is not ALWAYS that we want to sit around, holding hands and ramble on about our feelings. We get it, you are not Ryan Gosling and this is not ‘The Notebook.’ Trust me, I do not want to talk about mushy feelings and shit either if I do not have to. But, I also know that you, as a man, have no idea how my mind works and you are not going to come to a rational conclusion about why I am upset/sad/mad/whatever. Mainly, because a woman’s mind is not rational in it’s workings.

And just a quick note: Don’t ever attribute our mood to PMS. It just pisses us off more.

Back to the topic at hand….I also know that nothing changes on its own, you have to make moves to have changes in your life.

In most cases, it is probably something that the other person did to piss you off.

And if you shit in my Cheerios, I am sure you will do it again. The only way to ensure that you don’t make the same mistake twice, is to tell you how much it bothered me after the first time.

If I did not, that would be textbook insanity as described by Albert Einstein.

Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

So… the big question. Why are men so afraid or unwilling to open up in relationships when it comes down to the nitty, gritty of emotions?

Reasons I came up with… most of which are lame and NOT good excuses.

1. In his last relationship, expressing any emotion other than love or gratitude led to an argument, fighting and/or hostility.
2. They are scared little boy-men who did not get enough love from their mothers.
3. They do not know how to verbalize their feelings.  <—- Legitimate.
4. They are afraid to hurt your feelings or upset you. <—- Legitimate.
5. They genuinely think that it is perfectly fine to be miserable in a relationship and just move on without talking through their issues.

All things to think about. So if you are a man, reading this… open up a little more.

Pushing forward… I have another question. Sure it is off topic and I’m not creating a good segue here, but Fuck You! It’s my blog and I will switch topics is I want to!

Bringing it in, guys… here is the question.

Why are men only sweet when no one else is around?

Guys!!! Pay attention to me! I have a vagina, I know what ladies want. Having this amazing body part awards me infinite knowledge!

We want to see that sweet side of you that we all know you have. The side of you that was dominant when we first met and you were trying your darnedest to win our little hearts over. The side that would send adorable text messages everyday saying, “I’m so happy I met you,” or “I can’t wait to see you,” or “You complete me.”

Whatever your line of heart melting destruction may be. That is what we want to hear. Just because you already won us over does not mean that we do not need the reassurance throughout the relationship. 

That is what it comes down to:  We WANT you to WANT to talk to us!

Yes, we are needy. Some more than others.

Yes, we need attention. Some more than others.

For sure, we need you to be sweet to us.

We NEED you to NEED us.

And, now… I need a drink!

Have a Good Weekend!

Gentlemen, call your ladies please and tell them how you feel! That is all.

(Source: brainyquote.com)

I know that every girl will be on my ass after this, but oh well.

It must be said.

Men and Women are Equal… but they don’t want to be.

Example: We want men to open the door for us and pick up the check. But we do not want to do the same.

Equality by definition is…

the state or quality of being equal;  correspondence in quantity, degree, value, rank, or ability.

But, in reality, things are much less black and white. When it comes to relationship equality, we walk the line of gray. Each sex has specific roles that they are expected and more than willing to play.

Sure, women want to be able to hold the same positions in the job field and in political office. But, they don’t want to take out the trash or pay for dinner or ask a guy out.

Well, most women, that is. I don’t want to lump all women into my generalization.

Look down. If you have a bulge, this is not meant for you. But if you are toting a little man in a canoe (that’s a euphemism for vagina… duh) then pay attention.

You want equality. Well you fucking got it.

Now you have to go to school.

Now you have to go to work and bring home the bacon for yourself.

Now you have to pay for your own dinner and drinks and make a name for yourself.

Look at all the extra work you just caused yourself wanting ‘equality.’

Congratu-fucking-lations.!

I may be setting back women’s rights a few years here, but a friend of mine asked me, “Why would I want to work if I had a man to support me.”

It is an outdated concept, yes, to be supported by a man. Take my parents for instance. My mother worked maybe 6 days in her life. (And ended up owing the store money, I may add) Then she got pregnant with my brother. And she has not seen a paycheck since. My father brings home the pork roll. And she does those housewife things.

And that is fine for her, she is used to that. Keep in mind that this was a different time. My parents were poor and didn’t have money to go to college. Now things are different.

This is not the route that all women prefer to take.

Even if we want to be educated and hold high-paying positions in our work field, we still, as women, do not want to take on all the responsibilities of a man.

I think the problem is this… if we do not work, and do not go to school and all that good shit, then we are submissive. But are we not submissive anyway?

Are we not still considered the weaker sex. 

NOTE: I do not mean weaker in mind or spirit, or ability. But in physical prowess, are we not the meeker of the two sexes?

Back to the responsibilities of a man…that I do not want to take on.

No, I do not want to carry my husband through the threshold of the door on the eve of our wedding.

No, I do not want to hang the shelves and put the furniture together.

No, I do not want to ask a guy out.

And Fuck NO, I do not want to propose to a man, or have to buy him a ring.

Call me a traditionalist, but I think there are some things that are reserved for the males in society.

Sure, I will split the check.

Hey, I may even buy YOU a drink.

I’ll carry the evil spawn you accidentally created.

Hell, I may even try to cook.

But when I start a fire, I expect there to be a man around to put the fire out and protect me in his big buff arms.

That’s what men do. They protect. They make women feel secure.

Close to bottom line: Men have roles, women have roles. Sometimes we share those roles.

So what are we giving up by wanting to be equal. Just because I have an education and a job, and I can [barely] take care of myself, does not mean I don’t like to play the damsel in distress…

Catch me! I’m falling!!!